I wondered if i am the only one confused with life,or perhaps many pple out there are too.
I feel so tired lately.

Maybe pple are sick of hearing me lament,especially Jason.
I am very afraid that he will soon become sick and tired of me being like this.
And if Jason really feels so,I really dunno what to do anymore.

Ever since the fire incident in my house,I feel that my life is being imposed with more and more hurdles,each bringing me down.

Oh yes,the whole world is telling me to be strong.They are all telling me that,even Jason.
Coz that is what is 'right'!
And I tell the whole world that I will be strong.Coz not only that is right,but also I know I must AT LEAST not to be someone that my parents still have to worry for.
And I am trying my best in every where that I can to help them up.

Every time at work when I am brought down by Grace or maybe some others.I told myself that I should be strong and really sometimes the next day is not as bad as the previous.
But still...there is a very heavy feeling set in my heart that not only makes me feel sad,but daunts me too.

Junhan is my first tuition kid and I am trying my very best too to help him.He is not stupid but pure lazy and inattentive.Sometimes I spent extra hours teaching him.For a particular topic,I could spend the longest of 12 hours in total just to make sure he knows how to do finally.
But still he can forgets how to do and even the simplest sum.
I used every method that I can.The soft,the harsh,the encouraging and the verbal warning.But none works.
Oh yes,I shouldnt be too hard on myself then.But if ya not me,how do you know that how disappointed and upset i feel?I feel very responsible for his results,I am being paid to teach.Yet this is the kinda results he produces?
Not only I feel bad but also a whole lot of negative feels.

Ya,I know..the WHOLE world is telling me..be strong,be strong..get over it..stand up and move on with life.

But maybe you guys have no idea that I HAVE BEEN tyring to be strong all my life and I feel breathless!
Was it the way that I was brought up to be,or rather it was the way that I trained myself to be.

I know...i know...that I can so much bloody fortunate as compare to the world.Trust me,I am really thankful and never once gives up with my own life.I never thought of like leaving this world would be a much better option for me.
There are so much things that I wanna do yet.

but...I want a back route for me to runaway too.
I feel alot for my parents...And I know it is all becoz of them that I trained myself to be someone that they do not have to worry for.
I may not be the best but I never let them worry alot.Infact I am now moving to be their support.
Now that the house is in a wreck,their biz just started.My brothers are never ard since the start.
So no matter how tired and upset I am outside,I never tells them and even listens to what they have to share.
I looked for a job as soon as I graduated coz I wanna lessen their burden.I know once I earn my own money,I will be able to support myself and even gives some allowances for the house.
After my first job,I am so jaded and discouraged.But I immediately set off hunting and got another within 2 weeks.All for the same reason.
All my life..I havent stop for anything that I WANNA DO yet...but I know I do not blame them.
They did not force me but I choose that myself.
Dun ask me why did I do that.
That is so far..the least I can do for them.

But for myself...I almost feel nauseous with tears choking in my throat every time.

Maybe I am just not strong enough,maybe I am not mature to deal with things like that,maybe I am an attention seeker too.I often msg Jason or Yng to lament,perhaps just to get some attention.

I dunno...sometimes I feel so cooped up and lonely.

Although life keeps gg on,but I really wish I can retreat in a corner myself for a good time.
But life keeps moving..I can only dragged my feet along and moves on with it..with what pple tells me..be strong..

me..?
I tells the whole world that I will be strong.
It just doesnt matter how much pain I feel inside as long as I can move on with the world..right.



Jason,Yng and my friends...
I am sorry for keep lamenting and bothering..
I will try not to do so anymore.

Now..

Lemme seek solace when I turn in to sleep and turns my back to the world.